Tips for Dealing With a Breakup

Life isn’t always neat, and things don’t always go as we’d hoped. Sometimes you get closure; a clean break that allows you to heal and move on with your life. But at other times the ending is so abrupt or unexpected that it leaves you blindsided and bewildered. Dealing with a breakup is one of those times.

When a breakup happens, you may or may not have been prepared for it. Even if you’re the one who initiated it, you may find yourself questioning your decision or being tempted to send a conciliatory message.

Relationships are like wild things, not quite in our control. Our emotions are deeply implicated in the connections we make with other people, and it’s hard to rein those in and sometimes to even make sense of them.

What a breakup means.

It can be difficult to sift through what a breakup means and what it does not. It’s important to know the difference and to stand firm on what is true while rejecting what is false. Our hearts don’t always accept what is objectively true; they often yield to what feels true, even if it’s patently untrue.

When you go through a breakup, reminding yourself of what is true of you and even of the other person can help you maintain perspective as you process what’s happened.

What follows may apply to both parties in a breakup, but in some instances, it may apply more to the person who initiated it, or to the person who feels they’ve been broken up with.

In either case, one has to do the work of debriefing and grieving the relationship. The breakdown of a relationship should cause you to reflect and consider what happened and how you got where you are. Painful experiences can spur us onto further personal growth, and these should neither be glided over easily, nor should they keep you in limbo.

A breakup could potentially mean the following:

There were issues in the relationship.

Typically, a breakup happens because something is not quite right in the relationship. Maybe you were happy and didn’t see the issues. Perhaps you knew, but you didn’t think they were that significant.

Either way, the fact that a breakup occurred means issues were present, and they were likely not addressed adequately. Some of the work that may need to happen is to consider why you may have missed the signs of trouble. Perhaps you need to develop skills in handling issues constructively.

Your commitment and mutual responsibilities are over.

Jesus calls people to love their neighbor, even if their neighbor is an ex. However, some commitments are tied to a romantic relationship which may need to fall away, for the sake of your healing and to maintain an appropriate emotional distance. Paying the other person’s phone bill, for example, may likely no longer be a concern of yours.

Sometimes, remaining connected can become a source of fresh pain, or result in you getting back together without necessarily having addressed the issues.

What a breakup doesn’t mean.

On the other hand, there are a few things that a breakup doesn’t mean. This includes:

You are not damaged.

Breaking up hurts, and there may have been issues in the relationship, but that doesn’t mean you’re damaged. You may need time to heal, but don’t take a breakup to mean there’s no hope for other relationships.

Don’t assume that there’s something wrong with you. Breakups can happen simply because your relationship together doesn’t make sense. That doesn’t mean you and another person won’t make sense.

You are not undesirable.

Whatever you may have invested in your relationship, don’t assume you’re not desirable or loveable because someone broke up with you. Your life is hidden in Christ, and your worth comes from that identity, and nothing else (Colossians 3:1-4). Let that truth soak in and allow it to define you.

Dealing with a breakup: Moving on with purpose

The pain and loss from a breakup may require that you take sufficient time to grieve and rebuild your sense of self without the other person. Don’t short-circuit this process through a rebound relationship or by coping in unhealthy ways such as turning to food, reckless behaviors, or substance abuse to soothe your feelings. Instead, face your feelings and attempt to work through them well.

If you need a guide along your journey, a trained and licensed therapist at Pasadena Christian Counseling in California. can walk with you as you try to resolve your thoughts and feelings. Your counselor is skilled in navigating the sometimes-contradictory feelings that accompany a breakup. They can help you learn healthy coping skills, assist you in becoming more resilient, and in rebuilding your self-esteem.