Finding Help for Abandonment Issues

Many years ago, a Christian named Augustine wrote the following in his memoir, Confessions: “You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in you.” He was talking about our sense of ultimate identity and belonging, and all of us on some level can understand the yearning to belong somewhere, to have a home.

As human beings, all of us are hardwired with a desire to belong to a people and a place. We long for the experience of loving others, being loved, and knowing that we are loved. When that desire is not met, our hearts ache from a sense of loss.

That desire for deep and meaningful human connection makes sense when you consider that the God in whose image we were created, is relational. As difficult as our relationships can be, when they work well, they bring us a lot of joy.

The reality we live in here and now, however, is one where our relationships are imperfect, and we do not always get the care and connection we need from others. Some families have an unhealthy dynamic in them where the children are made to feel that their parent(s) do not value them and could leave them at any moment.

This can potentially lead to abandonment and neglect issues. While most issues of abandonment and neglect originate in childhood experiences, they can also develop as an adult.

You may have experienced abandonment and neglect, whether as an adult or as a child – whether you were left alone for extended periods and left uncared for as a child (a latchkey kid), or didn’t receive the care and support you needed from your spouse.

It is a sad fact that people can still face issues of abandonment and neglect even though they are part of families and homes where other issues such as alcohol or domestic abuse are absent. You may have received minimal support and communication from your home or family, leading to a loss of emotional connection.

Or it may be that for you, abandonment is not something that you have experienced, but something that you live in fear of, afraid that you will lose a loved one and be left alone. Whatever your story, help is available to you.

What are Abandonment Issues?

Abandonment is largely about feeling disconnected from other people, and it can stem from an experience that left you feeling rejected or people who were not there for you in the way you needed them to be.

Abandonment can be actual physical abandonment or emotional abandonment, or it can be the threat and fear of being left alone if you don’t please your caregiver or parent. You may not have known if the threat was real or if it was simply being used as a method of disciplining you.

When a child’s needs and successes go unacknowledged or are treated as unimportant, this can also form part of emotional abandonment. The fear and uncertainty brought about by such actions and a lack of emotional support can bring about attachment disorder.

Sometimes, parents or caregivers make these unhelpful statements that can breed uncertainty in a child, as well as fear, and an inability to be themselves:

• “You can stay here if you want. I’m getting out of here, and you can take care of yourself”
• “Shall I stop this car and leave you here on the side of the road?”
• “If you keep this up, I’ll call someone to ask them to take you away”
• “I give up on you”
• “That didn’t hurt. Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about”

Growing up under such dysfunctional conditions can fuel an inability to handle separation well, as expectations of being abandoned begin to grow. If or when you are abandoned, the idea or message that you are unimportant, unlovable, or unwanted is cemented.

In children, there are signs to look out for if you are concerned that they may have a fear of abandonment. A degree of worry over caregivers or parents leaving them alone is common in children as a normal developmental stage for children between 10 and 18 months old.

This separation anxiety peaks at this period and normally comes to an end around 3 years of age. If those symptoms of worry and anxiety persist or become severe, the child may have a fear of abandonment.

This can manifest as:

• Clinginess
• Fear of being alone
• Constant worry about being abandoned
• Low self-esteem and self-image problems
• Anxiety or panic attacks when they are dropped off at school or daycare
• Withdrawal
• Nightmares
• Anger and aggressive behavior (lashing out at others)
• Disordered eating as an unhealthy coping mechanism

Causes of Abandonment Issues

It is not entirely clear what causes one person to develop a fear of abandonment while another does not. Abandonment and neglect issues can arise from life experiences that left you feeling like you can’t rely on others to be there and take care of you, such as the loss of a loved one through trauma.

That trauma can take the form of the death of the loved one, or separation from them due to divorce, or from enduring abuse. In the case of emotional abandonment, where the loved one (either a parent or caregiver) is present physically but absent emotionally, this can also give rise to abandonment issues in later life.

These negative childhood experiences can cause you to believe that this is how the world works. Such core beliefs will mold how we behave in future relationships, and they often need to be questioned to see if they are true before we take them as fact.

Some factors which may influence whether a person under these circumstances develops a fear of abandonment include:

• Genetics, and if you have a proclivity towards anxiety
• How much emotional support you receive after a loss
• Environmental factors

What are the Effects of Neglect?

If left unchecked, the fear and anxiety that comes from abandonment and neglect issues can have a huge impact on the lives of those who go through them. The effects can be seen more obviously in relationships – whether in friendships, romantic relationships, or with your children – but there is also an impact on the rest of life as well.

The effects of abandonment and neglect issues include and can lead to:

• Depression
• Doubting God and his promises
• Avoid taking risks professionally
• Chronic anxiety or insecurity
• Panic attacks
• Anger
• Overanalyzing what others think of you
• Being unable to commit to a relationship
• Obsessing over the abandonment
• Fear of intimacy
• Substance abuse
• Tending toward isolation, and appearing closed off or detached
• Low self-esteem
• Feeling deeply unlovable or somehow “flawed”
• Sleep disorders and problems
• Struggling to be yourself
• Codependency
• Feeling like a victim
• Persisting with unhealthy relationships
• Becoming a helicopter parent
• Feeling like you don’t have control
• Needing excessive reassurance
• Shame
• Grief
• Self-doubt
• Trust issues

Support and treatment can help to reduce the anxiety and impact on relationships from abandonment and neglect.

Getting Help from Christian Counseling

People with abandonment issues will often experience difficulties in relationships because they carry the constant fear that other people will leave them. They will find themselves overcompensating by either trying to always please others or by pushing others away so that they can avoid rejection.

Various therapies are available to help you on your journey, including dynamic interpersonal therapy and cognitive analytic therapy.

You don’t have to deal with this alone. If you have experienced, or live in fear of, abandonment and neglect, you need to seek help. It takes commitment to work through the issues presented by abandonment and neglect, but they are usually reversible.

Counseling and psychotherapy can help you by providing you with wise and compassionate support as you work through mistrust, grief, and pain toward healing, a sense of self-worth, and peace.