How to Deal with a Narcissist

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is one rarely diagnosed because of the nature of it. Many times, a narcissist does not recognize his or her own need for change when struggling with signs of narcissism. It is often those around them who see that their behaviors and attitudes are self-inflated at an extreme level, to the point of hurting those around them.

Lasting relationships are difficult for a narcissist to maintain because when unhealthy, this person thinks the problems lie with others and not themselves.

Self-awareness is at a low, and others grow weary of being close to people who do not take responsibility for their actions. This behavior can quickly become abusive, and if someone is in a relationship with a person with the following behaviors, it is important to note that she does not deserve this type of treatment.

Main Behaviors of Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Grandiose Sense of Self-Importance

A narcissist not only thinks they are important, they believe that they are more important than anyone else. They think that they deserve to be in the ranks with societies best and most well-known. Their inner fantasy life exacerbates this idea. It is an elevated sense of self, a “bow down and worship me” mentality. Though a narcissist would probably not admit this problem, their close friends and family never feel like they can live up to this ideal.

Self-Centeredness

They believe that they are always right about something. They expect others to stop what they are doing to serve them or do what they want them to do. When things go wrong, they tend to have a “woe is me” attitude, rarely seeing how a situation affects another person, too. They do not display empathy very often, and they struggle with listening. Everything tends to revolve around them, and they expect others to see them in the same way.

A Habit of Blaming Others

Narcissists blame others for their actions, gaslighting them and manipulating them to believe that something was their fault when it was not. This starts showing up with they are young. They make excuses for their behavior instead of owning it and apologizing or admitting they were wrong.

It is a sin that we see in the Fall of Man in Genesis chapter 3. When God found them hiding after they disobeyed him and ate the fruit, Adam blamed Eve. Eve blamed the serpent. Neither of them took responsibility for their disobedience. When someone cannot be aware of areas of sin and struggle, growth is not possible.

Sense of Entitlement

What also happens with the grandiose sense of self is the idea that the world owes them something. They believe that others have mistreated them and owe them an apology. They neglect to see what good things someone has done for them, and instead, focus on the negative. They feel entitled to health, wealth, and prosperity kind of lifestyle. The expectation is that life should be handed to them on a silver platter, regardless of the effort they put in.

Belittles Others

It’s common for a narcissist to bully, belittle, and tear down. They name-call, curse, and use abusive words that cut deeply. What is disheartening about this is that they often do not care how their words affect others. They say what they want without regard for the pain of the other person. Narcissists will also put down people in front of others. For example, his wife is standing next to him at a gathering, and he laughs and says, “She does not do anything all day.”

Needs Constant Attention and Affirmation

This should not come as a surprise considering their other actions, but narcissists’ fuel is attention and affirmation from others. They need it because though they present as a prideful, self-confident person, deep down they battle the fears that they are nothing. This fear could have been developed over time, through traumatic history, childhood emotional abuse, and the like.

Narcissists present as though they love themselves more than anything, but subconsciously they battle insecurity that often goes unseen and unnamed. Since they do not believe the issues lie within themselves, they rarely notice this deep insecurity.

Life of the Party

Since they love the attention of others, they often present as extroverted, loud, and fun when first meeting them. They like to make others laugh and go out of their way for the right people to like them. Many are drawn to them because of this.

How to Deal with a Narcissist

Set Clear Boundaries

Setting boundaries is difficult for people with cluster B Personality Disorders, like Narcissistic Personality Disorder. These are people who often disrespect others’ boundaries with an extreme lack of empathy. Because they are defensive when someone tries to stand up to them, they struggle to see they have crossed a line. This only means that setting boundaries with them is even more important.

It will not only benefit you but also will hopefully benefit them in the long run. Narcissists are not used to people setting limits over them, but they need these limits to help them build empathy, compassion, respect for others, and a healthy view of self. Some ways to begin setting boundaries with them could be saying no when they tell you to do something. It could be telling them that they cannot speak to you that way. It could be refusing to accept responsibility for things that are not yours.

Be Honest

Something that will help build empathy in someone with NPD is to be brutally honest with them. Share with an “I- Statement” how their behavior has hurt you or how you are noticing it has hurt someone else. Speak from the heart and let them in for a moment to begin to understand a deeper level of how you feel.

Ask that he or she remains quiet while you speak. When you have the floor and are trying to be honest with someone about how you feel, they need to be quiet. This will be difficult with a narcissist, but be brave. An I-Statement looks like this: “I feel __________________ (give the feeling a name) when you ____________ (hurtful behavior) because _________________ (why is the behavior hurtful). What I need from you is _____ (express what changes you need to see).”

Here is an example: “I feel small and unimportant when you say I do nothing all day in front of your friends. It does not seem like you value the hard work of mothering our kids that I do, and I do not appreciate it. I would like for you to stop saying things like that to me and to others.”

Choose to Believe Truth Over Lies

The most painful thing about being in a relationship with a narcissist is the way they can make you feel. One feels small, unseen, devalued, unheard, unlovable, and worthless when in an abusive relationship like this. Though narcissists desperately need therapy, consider seeking out your own if this is how someone has been making you feel.

As you work on getting his or her voice out of your head, choose to believe what you know to be true. Write down lies that you have come to believe that he has spoken over you. These lies are things like, “You are nothing. You are worthless. You are a terrible mother. You never do anything for me. You are lazy. You have gained too much weight. It’s all your fault.”

Write all of them down. Then spend time with each one, consider the truth of the statement. Find a statement that contradicts the lie. Some truths could be “I have worth and value because God made me. I am doing a great job as a mother. I am beautiful. It is not my fault.” Write those truth statements in places you can see often and let them be like healing balm over your broken soul.

Gently Encourage Therapy

Though you may not succeed in getting a narcissist to go to therapy, if you gently encourage it, it could plant the seed in his or her mind. Saying something like, “I am worried about you. Your anger is hurting others, but I can see that it is hurting you, too. I miss the fun person I once knew, and I hope that you will consider getting counseling for yourself to help you deal with this anger that seems to be eating you up.”

Walk Away

The sad reality is that many relationships will end because, after many attempts at honesty and boundaries and encouraging therapy, nothing changes. If often gets worse. When a person is disrespecting someone this much, it is time to walk away. When someone is controlling and abusive, this may be easier said than done. However, it is imperative in this situation that the victim finds a way to get out. Some boundaries must be rigid. Some lines cannot be crossed any longer.