Feeling Angry? How to Manage Your Anger in the Moment

Anger is a normal human emotion. It can help alert us to the need for change in certain situations, such as where injustice has occurred, but where it is unrestrained, anger can be terribly destructive. Anger can harm us physically, as well as harm our relationships. In the moment of anger, we may feel out of control and may want to react impulsively. In this article, we’ll look at methods for how to manage your anger before you say or do something that you may regret.

How to Manage Your Anger When You’re Feeling Angry

There are a variety of ways that you can work to manage your anger in the moments when you’re feeling angry. Try a variety of methods to find the ones that work best for you.

Calm your body

Recognize warning signs. When we are provoked, or something happens that makes us feel angry we need to recognize what is happening in our bodies. Notice your heart racing and your quick shallow breathing. Do you clench your hands into fists, or do your neck and shoulders tense up? As you observe the physical signs of anger, use that as a cue to intervene and act to calm yourself.

Take slow, deep breaths to counteract your fast, shallow breathing. Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm. This should help counteract the physiological reactions to anger.

Relax your muscles. When you recognize the tension in your neck and shoulders or your clenched hands, this is an opportunity to focus on what you are feeling in your body and to deliberately relax your muscles, one at a time.

You may want to start at the top of your body, consciously relaxing your forehead, face, jaw, and work your way down to your toes. Besides having physically relaxed the muscles in your body, you will also have given yourself a little extra time to calm your emotions.

Count down slowly from 10 (or 20) to zero, to give yourself time to catch your breath. During this time, you could also focus on deep breathing or relaxing your muscles.

Exercise. When you are feeling angry it helps to get your body moving. Anger produces a rush of energy and it is good to channel it into something positive. Physical activity helps you to reduce stress and clear your mind.

If you are not one for strenuous exercise, you could try going for a walk to calm your nerves. This would combine both the physical activity your body needs to deescalate your anger, but also a chance to remove yourself from a stressful environment. Bonus points if you can walk somewhere green because nature also is very calming.

Stretch. If your muscles are feeling tense it can help at that moment to stop what you’re doing and stretch out the muscles of your neck and shoulders. You could do simple neck rolls or shoulder rolls to relieve immediate tension at the moment or proceed to do some nonstrenuous yoga-like stretching exercises to help you feel calmer.

Change your environment

Step away. One very immediate thing you can do when you are feeling angry is to remove yourself from the situation. If your children are upsetting you, going to your bedroom and closing the door for a few minutes can give you the space you need to do some deep breathing, catch your breath, and possibly a little perspective while you are there.

This doesn’t mean avoiding the issue that made you angry in the first place. For instance, if you are disagreeing with your spouse, it would be helpful to explain why you are walking out so that your leaving doesn’t make matters worse.

It is also helpful to set space and time to return to the issue at hand. How this could look is, “I need some time and space to calm myself down right now, but can we continue this conversation after dinner?”

Take some time out. It is hugely beneficial to take a breather when you feel your temper is getting short. Take short breaks when you need them during stressful times of the day. Whether this is a 5-minute quiet time in your bedroom, a walk around the block, or meeting a friend for coffee, take the personal time you need to get yourself in control of your emotions again.

Play music. Adding uplifting music to the situation can change the mood of everyone there. Choose something fun that will make you want to dance off your frustration, or some praise and worship that you can sing along to, that may help you refocus your mind on what is important.

Find the most immediate solution. If your children’s messy room is making you feel angry every time you walk past, close the door so that it is out of sight until you can find a better solution to the problem.

Calm your mind and emotions

Keep Quiet. One of the most helpful things is to make a habit of not saying anything in the moment of anger. Some people may even want to use a timer and not speak until a few minutes have passed. This gives you a chance to collect your thoughts and think about the situation carefully before you speak.

Pay attention to your feelings. Take the time to figure out what is behind the anger? Are you feeling hurt? Disappointed? Tired? Unheard? Frustrated? By understanding what is underneath the anger you can get a better picture of what the situation is really about. That way instead of lashing out, you can choose to calmly address the underlying issue.

Manage your thoughts. We need to be able to identify which of our thoughts are helpful and which are going to make the situation worse. Don’t fuel the anger with generalizations like “always” or “never”. Also don’t jump to extremes, like “this is the worst thing that could happen!” or “everything is going wrong!” We need to take these thoughts captive and not give room for them to discourage us.

Reframe your thoughts realistically. Instead of getting overdramatic when things don’t go our way, practice stating the situation rationally. “This is frustrating.” “It’s understandable that I’m feeling angry.” “I’ll need to start over.” “With a little hard work, this can be fixed.” “Maybe we can do without this.” “It’s not the end of the world.”

Recognizing your feelings underneath the anger, and correctly identifying the problem that has caused it, will help you to better determine possible solutions. Your anger won’t solve anything, but logic and clear thinking may.

Practice empathy. Consider if there are other ways to understand the situation. What might it look like from the other person’s position? Was the provocation intentional or unintentional? Considering possible reasons why another person might not have given you what you want can help give you a shift in perspective.

Perhaps he is having a bad day at work. Perhaps her child is sick, and she is tired as a result. What if the document you want wasn’t delivered to him by someone else? It might be that you’re taking out your anger on someone who doesn’t deserve it. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt, just as you would want them to do for you.

Use a calm word or phrase. A person may find it helpful to repeat a word or phrase to themselves, like “breathe” or “you’re okay”, to help them relax. This word or phrase should be something that helps you to calm yourself and refocus your mind.

You may find that memorizing a relevant scripture can also help you in situations where you are tempted to react in anger. It might also be helpful to display these words or scriptures in places in your home where you will see them frequently so that you can recall them to mind when you need them.

Use humor. Being able to laugh can help to release the tension. A person should avoid using harsh, sarcastic humor, but use humor to help you to face problems constructively. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Allow yourself to see the funny side of the situation.

Practice gratitude. Focusing on the positives in a situation or the things you are grateful for, can shift your focus from the problem to the resources you have at hand to solve it.

Picture something calming. Use your imagination to create a mental escape. Close your eyes and picture a scene that you find relaxing. Focus on the sensory details, like what the sand feels like under your feet or the sound of the waves crashing. This can help distract you from your intense feelings.

Write it down. You can process your anger and the feelings underlying it by writing it in a journal or writing a letter or email to the person you are angry with. Only be sure to burn the letter or delete the email, because that letter is purely for your own benefit and words written in anger have the power to cause real damage.

Get creative. Sometimes finding a creative outlet for your anger can be a great way to process how you are feeling. Write a poem, dance, or draw or paint something. Turn your anger into something positive.

Refocus your attention. Shift your focus to something else that you could do. Whether you decide to clean, weed the garden, or play a game with your kids, allow yourself to be distracted from what is making you angry until you are calm and better able to deal with the situation.

After you’ve calmed down

Once the intensity of your emotions has calmed, it is still important to deal with your anger and the situation causing it. Constantly pushing down your feelings and refusing to deal with them is not productive.

Express your anger in an assertive and non-confrontational way. State your needs and concerns calmly and clearly. Stick to “I” statements instead of accusations.

Take action. Certain things may anger you that require more than a healthy conversation. Where appropriate, channel your anger to constructive action, like writing to a manager or the authority concerned. Take action to make the situation better.

Identify possible solutions. If your anger is related to a recurring situation, thinking through possible solutions when you are calm can help you be more prepared the next time you find yourself in those circumstances. You could also role-play different responses that you could use.

Don’t hold a grudge. Forgiveness is important if you want to avoid getting trapped in bitterness.

Talk to a friend. It may help you after you have calmed down to talk through the issue and your feelings about it with a trusted friend, who can help you gain a fresh perspective. Just be careful to not merely use your friend as a place to vent, because venting can backfire and make your anger worse.

Know when to seek help. A physician can rule out any contributing health issues, and some mental health issues, like PTSD and depression, are linked to anger management problems. You may need help breaking a cycle of unhealthy anger and a counselor can walk you through the process.