Finding Flourishing Through Counseling for Toxic Couples

Perhaps it’s just the way God made us, but life seems better shared with others, and we seem to flourish when we are emotionally and physically close to other people. However, for toxic couples to have relationships that foster flourishing takes a lot of work. That’s to be expected, as good relationships, like most things in life worth having, require significant effort to attain.

The Bible tells us that human beings are deeply flawed, and we tend to function in ways that are harmful toward ourselves and others (Genesis 3; Romans 3; Jeremiah 17:9). This isn’t to say that we are monsters, but that we have certain impulses, lapse in certain ways, aren’t consistently wise, loving, and empathetic, and these traits can lead to hurt and brokenness in our relationships.

In some ways, we have to be proactive and act against our nature to have the rich and meaningful relationships that God desires for us. When we don’t resist those unhealthy impulses, toxic relationships are often the result.

Healthy relationships require a lot of effort, and they do face and overcome significant challenges. However, when you’re in a toxic relationship, that will require even more effort to address those toxic elements and set the relationship on the right path.

What is a toxic couple?

Every couple will go through their ups and downs, and they will have periods of struggle. When two sinful people get together in a romantic relationship, spend significant amounts of time together, and attempt to bring their two lives together as a cohesive whole, there are bound to be difficulties that emerge. How do you know if the struggles you’re currently facing go beyond the norm and are deeply problematic?

While all relationships have areas that could stand some improvement, what defines a toxic relationship is that dysfunction is the norm in how the couple relates to one another. In a toxic relationship, behaviors that are emotionally and physically damaging characterize its dynamics.

Toxic relationships will often feel draining, unsafe, and damaging to one’s self-esteem. This differs markedly from healthy relationships in which one experiences growth, mutual support, feels respected and valued, and offers equality in the course of the relationship.

As such, the marks of a toxic relationship include the following:

• Negative moments and experiences within a toxic relationship outweigh and outnumber the positive ones.
• Reliably unpleasant and exhausting for the people in it.
• Partners damage one’s self-esteem.
• Feels emotionally and physically unsafe.
• Characterized by insecurity, self-centeredness, dominance, and control.
• Unbridled anger, manipulation, or gaslighting behaviors.
• Codependence, with one person ignoring their own needs to meet those of the other.
• Marked by possessiveness and jealousy.
• Violence and abuse, whether physical, sexual, or emotional, are present.
• Insults or belittling.
• Blaming each other/constant arguing.
• Encouraging unhealthy habits such as drug abuse.
• Does not offer a safe space.
• One or both parties doesn’t feel like they can be vulnerable, or make mistakes.

Romantic relationships can be distorted into toxic ones because often there may be little to no scrutiny from people that are outside the couple or your family. In this way, your home, which ought to be a safe place of nurture and care, can be transformed into a nightmare.

How toxic couples come to be.

Toxic couples and relationships develop over time, but in some cases, the relationship had toxic elements from the beginning that somehow escaped notice. Human beings are not perfect, and even healthy relationships can have periods of behaviors that could legitimately be labeled ‘toxic’ on the part of one or both partners.

Earlier, it was pointed out that such behavior is the norm in unhealthy relationships. But how do these behaviors and toxic couples come to be in the first place?

To begin with, it takes two individuals to have a toxic relationship, even in those situations with one partner that is clearly the toxic partner and the other who is the recipient of the toxic behavior.

There are other situations in which two people with unhealthy patterns of thought and behavior come together, for example with codependency. Whatever the case may be, toxic couples often come to be from the outset of the relationship, though there are situations where toxic traits develop later in the relationship.

Some toxic partners use their counterparts, getting what they want from them and never getting enough. These users often seem courteous, pleasant, kind, and warm at the outset of the relationship, but their true nature is revealed once the relationship is more secure. This appearance of niceness remains as long as they get what they want, and so the relationship is characterized by a deep one-sidedness.

Some couples can develop into toxic couples over time if they allow unhelpful and unhealthy ways of relating to one another and the world to define them. For instance, a couple may start with a healthy sort of give-and-take relationship, but then one of them becomes incapacitated, and the dynamics of the relationship shift.

A shift like this can be because of illness, the loss of work, or some other significant trigger. The couple then shifts into a more one-sided relationship for a season while the indisposed partner gets back on their feet. However, if the dynamic is not addressed, the couple could settle into this unhealthy pattern, and what was once support becomes enabling.

It’s important to ask why people stay in such emotionally and possibly physically damaging relationships. exploring these reasons matters, as the partner that receives the toxic behaviors needs insight into their own actions and it will help them as they attempt to resolve the issues in the relationship.

One key reason why people remain in toxic relationships and why people engage in toxic behaviors is poor self-esteem rooted in an underlying sense of insecurity. Even those who are narcissistic may ostensibly be acting from a place of ego, but the root of that overblown self-regard is often poor self-esteem.

The downside and bad news about toxic couples are that you cannot change your partner. However, the good news, if you’re part of a toxic couple, is that you can change yourself.

Doing the hard but necessary work on yourself may lead you to respond and behave differently toward your partner. This may or may not result in your partner deciding to change their behavior. Regardless of their reaction, the first step to rectifying a toxic situation is to identify it and begin that crucial work on yourself.

Help for toxic couples.

Toxic relationships are relationships that can potentially harm one’s self-esteem and overall well-being. What’s encouraging about the situation is that these relationships are not necessarily hopeless; however, they do require considerable and arduous work to become healthy relationships.

For one thing, each partner needs to come to a place of recognizing that there is something seriously wrong with their relationship. The hard work of rectifying toxic behavior begins with that acknowledgment.

If poor self-esteem is at the root of why one receives toxic behaviors, one needs to grow in the belief that you deserve to be treated with courtesy, compassion, and respect in a relationship. You are created in the image of God, and you are dignified. Your relationships with others should reflect that reality.

Toxic behavior in the relationship ought to be calmly but firmly confronted, firstly by identifying and naming your partner’s behavior(s) and informing them that they are no longer acceptable in the relationship.

You can suggest alternative behaviors to replace the toxic behaviors. You also ought to take self-care and healthy boundaries seriously, especially if there is a codependent dynamic in your relationship.

As you suggest these changed behaviors, it should also be clear that if your partner doesn’t desire to change, you will not continue the relationship. This can be complicated, especially if it’s a marriage and there are children involved.

If you want to improve your relationship with a toxic partner, you have to be willing to leave that relationship in the event nothing changes. Taking that bold step requires that your self-confidence and self-esteem are good enough for you to stand in the knowledge that you will be all right if you end the relationship or if your partner ends the relationship with you.

Building up one’s self-esteem is not a quick or easy process, and any significant changes to how you deal with life can be challenging. It’s especially hard to draw a line and be willing to leave a relationship if change doesn’t happen. You also have to know what you’re willing to live with.

Through the help of a counselor, whether in couples, individual or group counseling, you can begin to work on the underlying issues that generate toxic traits and patterns in your relationship. Your counselor will be a sounding board to help you discern whether certain behaviors are typical, and you can live with them, or if they are excessive and ought not to be tolerated.

If you are in a toxic relationship, know that there is hope for the relationship to be salvaged, but it requires hard work. You can reach out to a counselor today to begin the work of restoring and establishing your relationship on the right footing.