Handling Codependent Behavior at Christmas

Codependent behavior can put a damper on the holiday season, sapping the joy out of it for you. If you have problems with codependency, it’s important to manage it before your gatherings with family members, which can bring out the worst feelings in you. A caring Christian counselor can help you mindfully limit your codependent behavior tendencies so you can enjoy a happier holiday.

What Is Codependency?

When a person struggles with codependent behavior, it means that they are caught up in a power struggle with at least one other person. You may center your world around this person, though he or she may be difficult to deal with and give you little in return.

Here are a few examples for you to consider. If you see yourself in these examples, you may be codependent.

1. A mother makes significant sacrifices of time, money, and energy to prepare her home for her adult children’s arrival. She feels like this is her primary purpose during the holidays.
2. One sister has a hard time standing up to her sister’s pressure to attend an annual holiday event she doesn’t really enjoy.
3. A wife goes to great lengths to cover up her husband’s drinking problem at her family’s Christmas gathering.
4. One father often worries about his daughter’s opinion of him. He feels like he’s walking on eggshells when she comes home for the holidays.
5. An adult daughter feels trapped as the go-between between her alcoholic father and her angry mother.
6. Every year, a man’s father puts him down in front of family members at Christmas. But the man sweeps the problem under the rug, though each year he experiences disrupted sleep for two weeks before and after the Christmas meetup.
7. A father turns a blind eye to his adult son’s unwillingness to find a job and move out of the family home. Though his son is 26 years old, his father puts off the hard conversation, fearing the son will permanently leave the relationship.

Can you relate to any of these scenarios? If so, a compassionate counselor can help you form strategies to protect yourself against further frustration and hurt.

What’s Wrong with Codependent Behavior?

Some people mistakenly assume that codependent behavior isn’t all that bad. After all, doesn’t the Bible tell us to turn the other cheek, be generous, love others, and forgive seventy times seven? Yes, it does. But it also instructs us to guard our hearts and maintain healthy boundaries, because God wants us to be cheerful givers, not reluctant givers under compulsion.

In a healthy relationship, both partners take and give in balanced amounts. They respect one another’s right to say no, make different decisions, and live a separate life. One may sacrifice for the other, but for a limited time frame to protect their God-given talents and time. A healthy relationship is not based on a power struggle; instead, it’s based on mutual love and respect.

Codependency stands in stark contrast to a healthy relationship. One person takes, and the codependent gives. The person in power doesn’t respect the codependent’s right to be assertive. The codependent may sacrifice until depleted and settle for only crumbs of positivity in response. This type of relationship lacks the type of love and respect God wants in every relationship.

You can learn to break free from the bondage of a codependent relationship by choosing the freedom Jesus promises you in Galatians 5. An abundant life is possible with God’s help, and a qualified Christian counselor will come alongside you as you reach out for it.

What Are the Roots of Codependency?

We all have long-standing, complicated family behavior patterns that condition us toward certain responses. In example 1 above, the mother may have been exhausting herself since the children were born, never considering her need for extra help. In example 2, perhaps the other sister has exercised power over her codependent sister since childhood, and it resurfaces every Christmas. While these behavior patterns may be deeply ingrained, they can be changed with several steps.

The first step is to identify the roots of codependency in your family. In example 5 above, the daughter could ask herself if there is a history of alcoholism on her father’s side of the family and study the relationship patterns on his side. She could also study her mother’s tendency toward anger. Who modeled it to her mother? What triggers her mother’s anger? Thoughtful questions like these can help you see the roots of the problems.

When you take the time to look at the roots, you can discover several helpful truths. First, the problems probably existed long before you were around. This can set you free from the urge to “fix” other people and work on yourself instead. Second, you can begin to show compassion for the people in power, who are likely acting out of old hurts. This stance of compassion helps you imitate Jesus in your relationships.

Third, you can begin to heal from codependency. As you open your eyes to the truths that have long existed in your family, you can start to respond rather than react in your old patterns. Your brain has learned to travel along the same pathways to avoid conflict, as in example 6 above. But you can retrain your brain to respond in healthy, self-controlled ways with the help of a trained Christian counselor.

Why Should I Address Codependent Behavior at Christmas?

Codependency is costing you more than you realize. It steals your peace of mind and causes stress. It can also divert you from the real reason for the season, which is worshiping Jesus. These are other ways codependency can cost you at Christmas:

• Your desire for your loved one’s affection and approval may block your relationship with God.
• Your true identity is as a child of God, not only as a member of your earthly family.
• Your own valid needs may not be getting met as you exhaust yourself to please others.
• You may not feel free to express your full God-given personality in front of family members.
• You may be allowing verbal, emotional, or physical abuse to damage your self-worth.
• Your separation anxiety may peak during the holiday season when the person in power isn’t physically present with you.
• You may unwittingly enable another’s bad behavior, which prevents their healing as well as yours.
• You may resort to manipulation or perfectionism in an attempt to regain control.
• You might be struggling with anxiety, depression, immune system disorders, and other physical, emotional, and mental problems.
• You may turn to food, alcohol, drugs, shopping, fantasies, work, or other unhealthy activities that numb you against the pain you are experiencing.

Check yourself for these signs of a codependent relationship. If only one of them applies to you, don’t hesitate to get the professional help you need before the holidays begin. You’ll cost yourself so much if you try to brush the problems under the rug this holiday season.

Though codependency often causes feelings of low self-esteem, you don’t have to stay stuck in that lonely place. You can get help now to equip you before the holidays begin. A caring Christian counselor will work with you to form new strategies for handling your codependent tendencies at Christmas. You will study the roots of the problems, gain affirmation for your hurts, and develop boundaries against negative behaviors. With a counselor’s help, you can take steps forward on a brighter path.

Help for Codependency

The team of counselors at Pasadena Christian Counseling has helped many people recover from codependency, and we are ready to help you today. We will help you build assertiveness and role play healthy conversations with you before the holidays begin. Get in touch with us today to set up a few appointments now so you can have a more peaceful Christmas this year.