On Being a Friend: Learning to Pause, Part, and Pivot in Friendship

We don’t have to search far to gather points on friendship advice. Opinions plaster the internet, dishing culture’s input on entering or exiting relationships, though it may not be the wisest counsel. “Ten steps to handle this” or “three strategies to conquer that” can be both insightful and entertaining.

Closer to home, well-meaning loved ones offer unsolicited commentary. A flood of incorrect, insufficient, or inappropriately matched information can overwhelm us, leaving us frustrated with how to navigate the matters of our hearts.

Fading friendships

Friends are a source of strength, sharpening, and support in the evolving seasons of our lives. They are a haven for fun, memory-making, and stability in our lowest moments. As representatives of God’s goodness and care, they love us by choice, not compulsion or convenience, as it can be with family.

When our friendships fade, due to distance, changing interests, overcoming offense, or other circumstances, we are aware of the shift. For various reasons, we may not feel as close or connected.

Sometimes, trying to revive a friendship after an offense or a deep infraction doesn’t result in recovery. In other situations, we lose investment in the shared interests that initially drew us. We may be unable to coordinate time or unwilling to sacrifice it. Although we may not always know why, it becomes apparent that we no longer fit in with our friends. As sons and daughters of an intelligent God, we want to understand what seems illogical.

Pause to pray about friendship

When we sense change on the horizon, it may feel as if our hearts are suspended in between seasons. Yesterday no longer fits. Tomorrow seems frighteningly different from our current version of normal. In the midst, we crave immediate answers and clear direction for the ambiguous path ahead. Yet, the discomfort of the in-between provokes us to seek God in ways that we otherwise would not.

When it comes to matters of friendship, we have to pause, returning to the One who formed each of us. Only He knows where we are and how to navigate us safely and successfully into the next steps along our individual and shared paths. Though it is first and foremost a revelation of God, the Bible is both a map and manual for the maze of life.

Parting ways

One of the most awkward and challenging situations we face is navigating a breakup with a friend. Scrolling through the pages of the web will produce countless articles, memes, and videos for breaking up with a romantic interest. However, these sites and sources don’t offer insight into how to part with friends.

Neither do they inform us how to commune with our hearts when we are internally conflicted (Psalm 4:4, 77:6). That is something we need to prioritize with the only One who sees and searches our hearts and whose peace will regulate its turbulence (1 Samuel 16:7; Jeremiah 17:10).

Pivot to propel

Little seems clear-cut when we are reassigning boundaries in friendship territory. Though awkward, friend breakups are often uncomfortable for both parties. It hurts the person who may want the friendship to evolve with time. It’s also painful for the one who is ready to embrace a change. For all of the mud and the mess we encounter, we need God to help us pivot into the next reality with Him.

The Holy Spirit will counsel us in wisdom. He helps us to honor friends who have been in our lives while He yet carves space for what and who is to come. He knows when and how to transition us out of the familiar, though it feels distinctly uncomfortable. As Creator and Father,

He is an expert at germinating fresh starts under the cover of obscurity and darkness. He wants to introduce us to realms that require faith for the not-yet-seen. Here, His grace pivots us from allegiance to what used to be and provokes us into new beginnings.

Pruned to produce friendship

We often attribute splits and separations to the devil. Rightfully so, as he relishes sowing discord (Proverbs 6:19). He seeks to undermine everything good that God has formed for our benefit, including the gift of friendship; but every adverse circumstance is not orchestrated by our enemy.

God sovereignly works through some of the rifts that happen in life to pull us out of the familiar, propelling us into new domains and destinations. The Father uses agitation in our lives to disrupt complacency, cutting away what is harmful, and in others, He prunes us to produce more fruit.

I am the vine, you are the branches; the one who remains in Me, and I in him bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. – John 15:5, NASB2020

The overarching theme of Dr. Henry Cloud’s Necessary Endings underscores the premise that we can’t have beginnings without endings. They are an essential, though painful, part of all we endure in life. John the Baptist preached and baptized the path for Messiah’s arrival. As Christ’s earthly ministry skyrocketed, the prophet emphasized that it was time for him to decrease as Jesus increased (John 3:30).

Even Jesus had to part with His followers. He told them that it was better that He go away (John 16:7). Unquestionably, there was a death or necessary ending to occur. As the time neared, Jesus didn’t want to drink the bitter crucifixion cup, but He surrendered to the Father’s plan for His necessary exit (Mark 14:36).

Jesus’ obedience cleared the path for the Holy Spirit to dwell in, not just with, Christ’s followers. As with our necessary endings, suffering is part of the story, but it was the only way the greater works would manifest (John 14:12).

Sometimes, we too, have to step aside from our vision for certain friendships. The Lord sees what’s hidden, and He knows pruning certain friendships will spur an increase in fruitfulness. While it seems unimaginable, it is essential.

Paul and Barnabas had been sharing the gospel, but a difference in approach separated them. God worked through their parting to advance the good news. He orchestrated a reunion as well, after working through the rift to accomplish His aims far and near.

Positioned for purpose

As humans, we breed loyalty to our patterns. Often, what we’ve been exposed to and accustomed to governs what we think and feel. Could it be that the friendship is seated in a place where God wants to position us for different experiences? Could God be stretching us in new directions? This isn’t a bad thing, but it may indicate that our roles in each other’s stories have concluded, and it is time to move on.

The Bible frequently references the end, conclusion, or latter part of an experience as better than the beginning. Endings mark the pivot into something new, but they create space to pause and honor, giving thanks for the friendship’s purpose. Simply stated, goodbye hurts. It may sometimes feel like a relief, or perhaps bittersweet. It may feel grievous, but whatever the emotion we encounter, we must acknowledge its validity.

Goodbye may not even be permanent. Like Paul and Barnabas, the Lord may float us back into each other’s lives at a time when we can serve each other and His purpose in a different season (Acts 15:25-41). Goodbye may be a repositioning, and less of a parting. We may not lose the friend but remain connected, though differently. Above all, we can share and sort it with the Friend who never leaves nor forsakes.

A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. – Proverbs 18:24, ESV

Next steps for friendship

He listens to our call and welcomes us to process the details with Him. He offers revelation without judgment and opportunities to deepen our covenant friendship with Him. While He is our wonderful counselor, there are supports accessible through this site. Reach out to connect with a counselor, as you pivot the changing phases of friendship.