Relationship Issuse Archives - Christian Counseling Pasadena

The Benefits of Effective Listening for Relationships

The Benefits of Effective Listening for Relationships

By Jennifer Kooshian|2024-09-30T12:59:20+00:00March 18th, 2024|Coaching, Featured, Individual Counseling, Personal Development, Relationship Issuse|

One of the many gifts that comes from being in a relationship with others is being known, understood, and loved. Our world is a big wide place, and it’s easy to feel like just another statistic, a faceless part of the crowd, another worker in the organization, or just another neighbor or citizen. In our closest relationships, our individuality is seen and appreciated, and that makes all the difference in the world. As our closest relationships are precious, it matters that they become spaces where we truly do hear others and are heard. That is why being a good listener is one of the best gifts you can ever give someone. Who doesn’t appreciate the fact that someone has truly heard them and understands their concerns? However, being a good listener is easier said than done, as we have many unhelpful habits that get in the way of effective listening. Understanding effective listening What exactly is effective listening? At its core, effective listening leaves the other person feeling like they’ve been heard, that their concerns and questions were understood, and that they’ve had an opportunity to express themselves as they intended. That’s a lot to accomplish through listening, but it is possible. When we engage in communication, whether in expressing ourselves to others or in receiving their words toward us, a lot is going on in that interaction. When you speak, you do so through your communication style, which is a combination of the words you tend to use, your tone of voice, how much eye contact you give, and the gestures you tend to employ. That communication style can be aggressive, assertive, passive, passive-aggressive, or manipulative. When it comes to listening, a lot is going on there, too. Your body posture, whether you are maintaining eye contact, whether [...]

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Tips for Dealing With a Breakup

Tips for Dealing With a Breakup

By Jennifer Kooshian|2024-09-30T12:58:56+00:00November 24th, 2023|Featured, Individual Counseling, Men’s Issues, Relationship Issuse, Women’s Issues|

Life isn’t always neat, and things don’t always go as we’d hoped. Sometimes you get closure; a clean break that allows you to heal and move on with your life. But at other times the ending is so abrupt or unexpected that it leaves you blindsided and bewildered. Dealing with a breakup is one of those times. When a breakup happens, you may or may not have been prepared for it. Even if you’re the one who initiated it, you may find yourself questioning your decision or being tempted to send a conciliatory message. Relationships are like wild things, not quite in our control. Our emotions are deeply implicated in the connections we make with other people, and it’s hard to rein those in and sometimes to even make sense of them. What a breakup means. It can be difficult to sift through what a breakup means and what it does not. It’s important to know the difference and to stand firm on what is true while rejecting what is false. Our hearts don’t always accept what is objectively true; they often yield to what feels true, even if it’s patently untrue. When you go through a breakup, reminding yourself of what is true of you and even of the other person can help you maintain perspective as you process what’s happened. What follows may apply to both parties in a breakup, but in some instances, it may apply more to the person who initiated it, or to the person who feels they’ve been broken up with. In either case, one has to do the work of debriefing and grieving the relationship. The breakdown of a relationship should cause you to reflect and consider what happened and how you got where you are. Painful experiences can spur us onto [...]

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Understanding Emotional Neglect

Understanding Emotional Neglect

By Joanna Kucherera|2024-09-30T12:50:00+00:00October 31st, 2023|Featured, Individual Counseling, Personal Development, Relationship Issuse|

When a child first enters the world, their early interactions with the people taking care of them are important. These interactions serve to communicate that they are loved, cherished, and valued. This for a child brings a sense of belonging and security. Their developmental abilities depend on these first interactions. Emotional neglect hinders these processes. However, if a child is met with a cold, unloving, and unresponsive world, their well-being is put at risk. Emotional neglect is one such situation. When we say a child is suffering from emotional neglect, we mean that the relationship they have with their parent or caregiver is such that their emotional needs are neglected, ignored, and sometimes invalidated. Emotional neglect can happen intentionally and unintentionally, nonetheless, the effects can be both devastating and lifelong if not attended to. Even though we are talking about a parent-to-child relationship, it is important to note that emotional neglect can also be experienced in other relationships, like friendships and romantic relationships. Caregivers or those we are in relationships with can cause us to feel emotionally neglected for several reasons. No matter what the underlying causes are, people or caregivers who exhibit the following behaviors run the risk of making their loved ones feel emotionally neglected: They are dismissive of emotions, sometimes ridiculing or minimizing the other person’s feelings. They are cold and unwelcoming. It is hard to enjoy spontaneous play or interactions with them. They sometimes give silent treatment, not talking or interacting with their loved one. This breaks down any hope for connection. They are not interested in the other’s life, activities, hobbies, or interests. When they do speak, it’s rare to give praise or acknowledgment. They find fault easily and focus on those faults more than anything else the other person does. They may suffer [...]

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Finding Flourishing Through Counseling for Toxic Couples

Finding Flourishing Through Counseling for Toxic Couples

By Kate Motaung|2024-09-30T12:52:41+00:00April 28th, 2023|Couples Counseling, Featured, Marriage Counseling, Relationship Issues, Relationship Issuse|

Perhaps it’s just the way God made us, but life seems better shared with others, and we seem to flourish when we are emotionally and physically close to other people. However, for toxic couples to have relationships that foster flourishing takes a lot of work. That’s to be expected, as good relationships, like most things in life worth having, require significant effort to attain. The Bible tells us that human beings are deeply flawed, and we tend to function in ways that are harmful toward ourselves and others (Genesis 3; Romans 3; Jeremiah 17:9). This isn’t to say that we are monsters, but that we have certain impulses, lapse in certain ways, aren’t consistently wise, loving, and empathetic, and these traits can lead to hurt and brokenness in our relationships. In some ways, we have to be proactive and act against our nature to have the rich and meaningful relationships that God desires for us. When we don’t resist those unhealthy impulses, toxic relationships are often the result. Healthy relationships require a lot of effort, and they do face and overcome significant challenges. However, when you’re in a toxic relationship, that will require even more effort to address those toxic elements and set the relationship on the right path. What is a toxic couple? Every couple will go through their ups and downs, and they will have periods of struggle. When two sinful people get together in a romantic relationship, spend significant amounts of time together, and attempt to bring their two lives together as a cohesive whole, there are bound to be difficulties that emerge. How do you know if the struggles you’re currently facing go beyond the norm and are deeply problematic? While all relationships have areas that could stand some improvement, what defines a toxic relationship [...]

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Feeling Angry? How to Manage Your Anger in the Moment

Feeling Angry? How to Manage Your Anger in the Moment

By Kate Motaung|2024-09-30T12:54:18+00:00January 22nd, 2021|Individual Counseling, Personal Development, Relationship Issuse|

Anger is a normal human emotion. It can help alert us to the need for change in certain situations, such as where injustice has occurred, but where it is unrestrained, anger can be terribly destructive. Anger can harm us physically, as well as harm our relationships. In the moment of anger, we may feel out of control and may want to react impulsively. In this article, we'll look at methods for how to manage your anger before you say or do something that you may regret. How to Manage Your Anger When You're Feeling Angry There are a variety of ways that you can work to manage your anger in the moments when you're feeling angry. Try a variety of methods to find the ones that work best for you. Calm your body Recognize warning signs. When we are provoked, or something happens that makes us feel angry we need to recognize what is happening in our bodies. Notice your heart racing and your quick shallow breathing. Do you clench your hands into fists, or do your neck and shoulders tense up? As you observe the physical signs of anger, use that as a cue to intervene and act to calm yourself. Take slow, deep breaths to counteract your fast, shallow breathing. Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm. This should help counteract the physiological reactions to anger. Relax your muscles. When you recognize the tension in your neck and shoulders or your clenched hands, this is an opportunity to focus on what you are feeling in your body and to deliberately relax your muscles, one at a time. You may want to start at the top of your body, consciously relaxing your forehead, face, jaw, and work your way down to your toes. Besides having physically relaxed the muscles in [...]

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Handling Codependent Behavior at Christmas

Handling Codependent Behavior at Christmas

By Kate Motaung|2024-09-30T12:53:42+00:00December 8th, 2020|Codependency, Couples Counseling, Featured, Individual Counseling, Relationship Issuse|

Codependent behavior can put a damper on the holiday season, sapping the joy out of it for you. If you have problems with codependency, it’s important to manage it before your gatherings with family members, which can bring out the worst feelings in you. A caring Christian counselor can help you mindfully limit your codependent behavior tendencies so you can enjoy a happier holiday. What Is Codependency? When a person struggles with codependent behavior, it means that they are caught up in a power struggle with at least one other person. You may center your world around this person, though he or she may be difficult to deal with and give you little in return. Here are a few examples for you to consider. If you see yourself in these examples, you may be codependent. A mother makes significant sacrifices of time, money, and energy to prepare her home for her adult children’s arrival. She feels like this is her primary purpose during the holidays. One sister has a hard time standing up to her sister’s pressure to attend an annual holiday event she doesn’t really enjoy. A wife goes to great lengths to cover up her husband’s drinking problem at her family’s Christmas gathering. One father often worries about his daughter’s opinion of him. He feels like he’s walking on eggshells when she comes home for the holidays. An adult daughter feels trapped as the go-between between her alcoholic father and her angry mother. Every year, a man’s father puts him down in front of family members at Christmas. But the man sweeps the problem under the rug, though each year he experiences disrupted sleep for two weeks before and after the Christmas meetup. A father turns a blind eye to his adult son’s unwillingness to find a [...]

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Dating Advice for Men: 5 Practical Tips

Dating Advice for Men: 5 Practical Tips

By Kate Motaung|2024-09-30T12:56:30+00:00October 20th, 2020|Featured, Individual Counseling, Men’s Issues, Relationship Issuse|

Relationships between people can be the most complex, enriching, life-giving, and challenging thing in the world. Human beings are themselves complex, coming from and living out different values, worldviews, and personalities. When you mix in the romantic element to relationships, that adds another layer to things. This article offers practical dating advice for men who are seeking to build a relationship with a potential spouse. Dating in the 21st century is a quite different animal than it was a century or even a decade ago. So much has shifted in our culture, both inside and outside the church. As we’re not all reading the same manuals or books on dating, people enter the dating scene on vastly different pages – from expectations to fears, there are many assumptions we can carry into any given scenario. These can hinder or help us on the dating journey, making it especially important to get practical, versatile, and meaningful dating advice for men. Where to begin? Sometimes, romantic relationships are reified and treated as though they were no different than other relationships. Sure, romance and sexual chemistry bring new and often exciting dimensions to any relationship, but at heart, it’s still a relationship between two human beings. The basics that apply in other relationships apply here as well. Each situation will be unique, so there’s no way a single article can cover every eventuality. Consider what follows as very broad guidelines that are aimed at shaping the type of person you are when you date, and not necessarily what you should do in any circumstances you may encounter while dating. As such, there is probably no better place to begin than with the command to “Love your neighbor as yourself.” This “Golden Rule” from Jesus is a relational touchstone that challenges us in [...]

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How to Deal with a Narcissist

How to Deal with a Narcissist

By Kate Motaung|2024-09-30T12:53:52+00:00August 10th, 2020|Couples Counseling, Featured, Individual Counseling, Relationship Issuse|

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is one rarely diagnosed because of the nature of it. Many times, a narcissist does not recognize his or her own need for change when struggling with signs of narcissism. It is often those around them who see that their behaviors and attitudes are self-inflated at an extreme level, to the point of hurting those around them. Lasting relationships are difficult for a narcissist to maintain because when unhealthy, this person thinks the problems lie with others and not themselves. Self-awareness is at a low, and others grow weary of being close to people who do not take responsibility for their actions. This behavior can quickly become abusive, and if someone is in a relationship with a person with the following behaviors, it is important to note that she does not deserve this type of treatment. Main Behaviors of Narcissistic Personality Disorder Grandiose Sense of Self-Importance A narcissist not only thinks they are important, they believe that they are more important than anyone else. They think that they deserve to be in the ranks with societies best and most well-known. Their inner fantasy life exacerbates this idea. It is an elevated sense of self, a “bow down and worship me” mentality. Though a narcissist would probably not admit this problem, their close friends and family never feel like they can live up to this ideal. Self-Centeredness They believe that they are always right about something. They expect others to stop what they are doing to serve them or do what they want them to do. When things go wrong, they tend to have a “woe is me” attitude, rarely seeing how a situation affects another person, too. They do not display empathy very often, and they struggle with listening. Everything tends to revolve around them, and [...]

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Finding Help for Abandonment Issues

Finding Help for Abandonment Issues

By Kate Motaung|2024-09-30T12:53:21+00:00July 20th, 2020|Abandonment and Neglect, Featured, Individual Counseling, Relationship Issuse|

Many years ago, a Christian named Augustine wrote the following in his memoir, Confessions: “You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in you.” He was talking about our sense of ultimate identity and belonging, and all of us on some level can understand the yearning to belong somewhere, to have a home. As human beings, all of us are hardwired with a desire to belong to a people and a place. We long for the experience of loving others, being loved, and knowing that we are loved. When that desire is not met, our hearts ache from a sense of loss. That desire for deep and meaningful human connection makes sense when you consider that the God in whose image we were created, is relational. As difficult as our relationships can be, when they work well, they bring us a lot of joy. The reality we live in here and now, however, is one where our relationships are imperfect, and we do not always get the care and connection we need from others. Some families have an unhealthy dynamic in them where the children are made to feel that their parent(s) do not value them and could leave them at any moment. This can potentially lead to abandonment and neglect issues. While most issues of abandonment and neglect originate in childhood experiences, they can also develop as an adult. You may have experienced abandonment and neglect, whether as an adult or as a child – whether you were left alone for extended periods and left uncared for as a child (a latchkey kid), or didn’t receive the care and support you needed from your spouse. It is a sad fact that people can still face issues of abandonment [...]

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Family Counseling: When to Seek Help

Family Counseling: When to Seek Help

By Kate Motaung|2024-09-30T12:52:30+00:00July 6th, 2020|Family Counseling, Featured, Marriage Counseling, Relationship Issuse|

Our family is important in shaping us into the people we become. From our families we learn how to interact with others, we learn customs, how to communicate, how we see the world around us and the people in it. Families come in different shapes and sizes – blended, single parent, two parents, lots of kids, a few kids, just one child, and all the variations in between. Some families are outdoor types and sporty, while others are more homebound. Some homes are quiet, while others are a hive of activity with lots of comings and goings by the adults and the kids. Practical jokes are a staple in one family, while others are more serious. For some families, fondly remembered vacation trips or warm family dinners are the norms, while for others, the word “family” conjures up painful memories of hurtful dynamics. What is true of all of us is that our families go through seasons – some of those are of heartache and struggle. Things aren’t always perfect in families, but often family members can rally around one another to make it through the crisis. When communication breaks down, conflict becomes more prevalent in your family, and disagreements unresolved, what do you do? What do you do when the struggle becomes too much, or when the harder seasons just seem to last too long, things just don’t seem to be getting any better and you are struggling to cope? When trouble crops up in your family, it can start affecting other areas of life as well, including at work, school, and in other relationships and interactions with people outside the family. Whatever your situation, your family is important to you – otherwise, you would not have looked for and found this article. We all want our family [...]

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