The Benefits of Effective Listening for Relationships

One of the many gifts that comes from being in a relationship with others is being known, understood, and loved. Our world is a big wide place, and it’s easy to feel like just another statistic, a faceless part of the crowd, another worker in the organization, or just another neighbor or citizen. In our closest relationships, our individuality is seen and appreciated, and that makes all the difference in the world.

As our closest relationships are precious, it matters that they become spaces where we truly do hear others and are heard. That is why being a good listener is one of the best gifts you can ever give someone. Who doesn’t appreciate the fact that someone has truly heard them and understands their concerns? However, being a good listener is easier said than done, as we have many unhelpful habits that get in the way of effective listening.

Understanding effective listening

What exactly is effective listening? At its core, effective listening leaves the other person feeling like they’ve been heard, that their concerns and questions were understood, and that they’ve had an opportunity to express themselves as they intended. That’s a lot to accomplish through listening, but it is possible.

When we engage in communication, whether in expressing ourselves to others or in receiving their words toward us, a lot is going on in that interaction. When you speak, you do so through your communication style, which is a combination of the words you tend to use, your tone of voice, how much eye contact you give, and the gestures you tend to employ.

That communication style can be aggressive, assertive, passive, passive-aggressive, or manipulative.

When it comes to listening, a lot is going on there, too. Your body posture, whether you are maintaining eye contact, whether you ask questions to gain clarity, whether you interrupt or not, and whether you relate back what you’ve heard; all these things either add to or take away from your listening.

Effective listening is when you’re able to direct your attention, and everything that indicates your attention, in such a way that the person you’re listening to feels heard. Effective listening is comprised of several elements, including the following:

Getting rid of distractions

This means closing your laptop lid, putting your phone away, folding the newspaper and putting it away, or putting your tablet down. Many things can draw your eyes away from the speaker; ensure that these are out of the way, and your attention is on them. Sometimes, the very act of putting your device away communicates your intention to give exclusive focus to the other person.

Giving good eye contact

With the awareness that eye contact works differently in different contexts and cultures, remember that good eye contact helps the other person know they have your attention.

Asking questions at appropriate times

If you don’t understand something, asking a clarifying question at a lull in the conversation or some other appropriate point is the way to go. It provides the other person with an opportunity to express themselves clearly and to correct any misunderstandings that may have occurred.

Asking questions in combination with summarizing what’s been said as well as reflecting (repeating back) what’s been said also shows you’ve been listening and provides that opportunity for greater clarity.

Avoiding interruptions or jumping to conclusions

When you interrupt someone, it isn’t as helpful as you might think. Give the other person space to articulate their thoughts their own way, as that allows them to feel they have expressed themselves in their own words. An interruption can disrupt that process.

Additionally, when you jump to conclusions, that too can disrupt the process of listening for you, because you assume you know what they’re saying and stop listening to what they’re actually saying.

How effective listening benefits relationships

Being present for someone and truly listening to them is a wonderful gift because people don’t typically have time to slow down to pay attention to one another. Effective listening benefits relationships in several ways, including the following:

Reducing and anticipating conflict

By hearing what a person is saying, you can understand their needs and move meaningfully toward them to meet those needs where possible. A lot of conflict in relationships happens because expressed needs and expectations aren’t met, or they are met in undesired ways.

Addressing conflict effectively

When conflict does occur, being able to listen well allows you to understand what the core issues are, and the resolution the other person is looking for.

Feeling seen and heard

Being appreciated by someone you care about is a rich gift. When people feel seen and heard, that can deepen commitment in the relationship, as well as increase one’s sense of well-being.

Next steps

Good communication allows a relationship to flourish as the people in it express themselves and their needs, expectations, and hopes. Knowing these concerns have been heard helps one feel valued and seen, and that can increase one’s sense of investment in the relationship, even as it helps to reduce and address conflict effectively. You can reach out to a Christian counselor to get help in improving your listening skills.